• Abby

Lol I'm Still Here

When I look back at the last time I wrote about anything juicy, it was in April. That was 7 months ago, and to think it's been that long feels like I've wasted all of my potential on building a classroom for kindergarten students that no one seems to appreciate (no Mom, you do not count...).


I guess that's what it's like when you grow up though. People around you stop caring about the small victories that you've built and you need to celebrate them by yourself with a bottle of wine - which in return leads to unwanted weight gain and just falling asleep earlier than expected. Or how about the fact that every year you're told that men will be different because they're getting at that age where they're getting ready to settle down and not party so much - yet all the guys you meet are either still trying to live their best single life or significantly younger than you, which in return makes you feel significantly older and worse about yourself than before.


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It's like choosing between the lesser of the two evils: choose the 24 year old who wants to impress me by acting more grown up, or choose the 29 year old who still likes to stay up till 2:00 am drinking White Claws because "it doesn't give as bad of a hangover". To make matters worse, my father has offered two other suggestions: A. I finish my Ph.D, start my career as a therapist, and then go see a professional match maker since I'll be in a different domain than the "regular" population of men, or B. Date his best friend (he's only in his mid 30s, so don't freak out).


Truly, nothing would be wrong with dating someone who my dad trusts, is in their 30s, well established, and wants to work towards a healthy relationship but let me tell you why this wouldn't work. The obvious being the fact that it's my dad's best friend - where this man shares details about his life that I would prefer to not have shared with my father and the other being that this person has seen me grow up from an unattractive preteen with hairy legs and braces, to a full grown adult. I just don't need that kind of baggage hanging over me throughout a relationship. There's been enough trauma in my life, I don't need someone I'm dating to be like "I remember that phase".


If that wasn't bad enough, a few of the recent interactions I've had either cried after we hung out or were "mentally not in a good place". One guy cried for a total of three days after we had sex, and the other sounded like he was going to die during it (told me he really let his cardio get away from him and that he's just not in a good place right now). If you're not in a good place, please don't have sex with someone because I will not want to console you. All I'll be thinking about is how I wasted my time shaving, showering, cleaning the apartment, only to have to finish a job that I could have done in 10 minutes or less on my own.


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And then, I went to a wedding and drunkenly took home a groomsman and had a delightful time. It was like I was being thanked for being selfless in a time of wanting to be selfish (you know, consoling the guys when I really just wanted them to get out so I could figure out my own frustrations). He was a recommendation from the bride because of his "pretty eyes and nice muscles" (which was the groom said to the bride who then told me). I can attest, he does have pretty eyes and nice muscles, and everything else is rather delightful. And turns out we have a few things in common, which meant a big "oh fuck" for me. Hey Siri, search for "how to get over a crush" on Safari.

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