Someone asked me recently why I hadn’t written in a while, and I guess it’s because I didn’t feel like I had anything relevant to say... until now.
In a phone call I had with that same person, he said “I’ll make sure to never piss you off so I don’t end up on the blog” But I think that defeats the purpose of it. Yes, I have juicy stories (and some that I‘ll love an opinion on), but it’s more than that. It’s about a hopeless romantic girl in a loveless world who continued to fail so she adopted two dogs. Who cares about that though? (In case you do care, their names are Apollo and Memphis and are often featured on my gram… if you can find it).
Now for those of you who don’t care about my dogs but more so about the boys I’ve been chasing, let’s take it one step at a time.
STEP ONE: The Ex
If I‘m being completely honest, the break from the blog started due to a couple of factors, but the biggest one being “The Ex”. I had fallen for someone whose Halloween costume was Prince Charming, and he played the role well. Except, after I told him I loved him, and after he moved in, the costume changed and he no longer was the prince I had known.
He stopped taking care of himself, and the apartment we lived in. He stopped caring about my needs and his anger started to build into violent outbursts. I had ignored all of it because I figured he was just going through some personal battles, and what kind of partner would I be if I abandoned the relationship I prayed to keep? The one where someone finally said “I love you” and meant it, or at least believed they meant it. Except, when he got violent with the dogs, it was when my worst fears came true. It was an abusive relationship, and it killed me to get over and work through, but I made it.
So lesson learned? It’s okay to admit you’re not in the relationship you thought you were.
STEP TWO: The Other Chris’
Before ”The Ex” Chris, there was Chris from college days Tinder. We had met up once, and it was an intimidating place for me. I was still in the dorms, but he had his own place. I was still holding onto my freshman 15, but he was in great shape. He wasn’t afraid to be himself, but I was still trying to figure out who that was for me. I had wanted so many things from him at the time, but was too intimidated to ever act upon them.
Eventually he went his own way, and I went mine (as you’ve read), but one thirst trap instagram story picture later and I was in his DMs asking about his relationship status. Turns out he was single, and he jumped at the opportunity to flirt with the girl who gave in to his thirst trap. And through all the flirty undertones of the messages, I got hooked. But for every call that never came, the flirty messages didn’t hold up any meaning. Eventually I called him on it, and he just “wasn’t ready” and it “moved too fast”, even though he set the pace for the race and I just followed.
The worst of it was that he kept the same sort of pace after I added him back on Snapchat. The small slides of messages just to stay relevant, but always leaving me on read. It might seem simplistic to him, but it’s just a game that I don’t feel like losing to anymore. I’m not sure what his end game is; maybe now he’s the one intimidated or maybe he just was embarrassed he couldn’t even keep his promise of watching Peaky Blinders, but he has time to change how his story plays out.
The OTHER Chris was in London and while there wasn’t anything magical about him besides his accent, I would have still enjoyed being shown around the town by someone who lived there. Except, he didn’t understand the Lizzie McGuire type of esthetic I was looking for and left me to fend for myself - which got me nowhere since I was on vacation with my mom and grandma. Not as easy to hit on the American girl when she’s constantly being bombarded by historical facts from her grandmother, I’ll accept that.
Lesson learned? Never go for a man named Chris.
STEP THREE: The Unverified Insta Star
This is the one where advice is wanted.
I follow a few people I don’t know personally, which is normal for most people I would say. This man that I slid into the DMs happens to be one of them. He’s younger than me, Chip Skylark style teeth, a basketball star, and collects instagram followers like he collects his college jerseys. I don’t know where the BDE I had came from, but I rolled with it when I made my shot.
It worked because soon enough I had his address and was on my way over. To be clear, I thought my intentions were apparent with the messages I sent. A lot of talk about my personal aspects, and a lot of talk about how the night would end. Except when I arrived to his house, the whole evening fell short in more than one way.
He brags on his Instagram stories about how he isn’t hot - and maybe that comes from his insecurities about his height, or how his teeth aren’t exactly straight, or how he pimps out his family mansion to make it out like it’s his own, but the washboard abs and low tone of his voice made up for those small details. What didn’t make up for those details was the lack of attention I had received. I’m not sure where I wasn’t clear but he didn’t get the message and I ended up not eating my slice of cake. Instead, I just had to look and enjoy it from a distance.
The worst part of the night wasn’t that though. It was after he got his cake and enjoyed it too (again, I did not get to try the cake). It started with me coming out of the bathroom to see his pants were on inside out and him confidently arguing they were in fact on correctly - only to look down and see they were not. After he fixed his pants, I thought he was going to lead me upstairs to leave, but instead it turned into a conversation over the pool table.
It was a lot of minor questions and discussions that I don’t think are extremely important to the conversation. All I know is that it was his first time having someone who slid into his DMs over, he wanted to know if his Instagram personality matched his real life personality, he doesn’t like to party, is selective who he sleeps with, and that his playlist he had on was actually really great. When he kept checking his phone, I told him he could kick me out at any time - mostly because I hadn’t planned on staying. He said “You think I would be that nice and wouldn’t just be like ‘yo bitch get out of my house?‘“ and then after a pause, he said “Come with me I want you to try something”.
I thought I was walking into being made to shoot a basket or maybe try some kind of drink challenge or something, but it was much worse. He took me through the garage where there was a mess of bikes and cars and an electric scooter. Mr. Basketball star took the scooter out of his garage, and down the driveway and started listing all the specs. All I remember is that it could go 25 kilometers per hour, to give it a little push, and then I would be good to go max speed. Except, he didn’t have a helmet, and I was in my chanclas - which meant I was not prepared to go full speed. When I asked for a helmet he said “No, what are we twelve?” To which I replied “Safety is sexy…”
Needless to say, I went on the scooter, but he wasn’t impressed with my 10 kilometers per hour max speed or my sick turn. He did record my zooming past him though… which felt like I was doomed to become the next big laughing stock feature on his IG (so far it hasn’t surfaced). As he went up and down the scooter at max speed, I stared up at the stars. He lives far enough outside of Vegas to see the stars when you’re outside. It wasn’t anything magical like a Colorado starry night, but for Vegas it was pretty beautiful - at least I thought so. He seemed to think it was weird because he said “You’re an interesting person. I can see why you think it’s interesting we met” That’s a little bit of a dis right? I meant it was interesting we met because he has 24 thousand followers, washboard abs, and a Chip Skylark white smile and I am an elementary school teacher who laughs at her own jokes. Very much different sides of the sun type of people who I wouldn’t have thought crossed paths.
I‘d also like to note that while he was busy riding his scooter and I was enjoying the stars, he rode up and took a picture of me. I know this because the flash was on and the phone was up and pointing right at me while I was star gazing. “Maybe it was an endearing moment” you’d argue, but I’d like to argue that moments before he took the picture, he thought it was weird that I was looking at the stars (it’s what lead to the interesting comment). So what’s the picture for?
Anyway, it ended with him making jokes about my safety comment by making an innuendo. When I rejected it he said “I’m not scared of pregnancy, just everything else that you can get”. So ladies, just know men aren’t really scared of the pregnancy - just everything else.
Also, anyone know why he took the pic?